Chronic Health Weirdness.....Perimenopause maybe?

 I have been having issues with my body lately. I found my very first grey hair, then I had my 47th birthday a few days ago and I was very edgy and my typical "monthly" issues were not so typical. I started early, it looked different than it has before, I've been hot and tired and anxious more than I have in a while and I just didn't feel like myself. My fibromyalgia pain has been through the roof the past 2 weeks, typical of my premenstrual dysphoric disorder symptoms, however, it's more than it has been in the past. I am beginning to think I may have hit perimenopause and this is the end of the reproductive cycle stuff. I also had a false ending with my cycle and I haven't done that in years since a high-stress point in my life when I was also on birth control that WAS NOT doing its job. I am really sad if this is perimenopause because I still want kids. It feels like running out of time. I AM running out of time.

I am just having such a hard time with the simplest tasks. Housework is an ordeal when it doesn't need to be. Walking downstairs is like mountain climbing and walking to the grocery store can feel like hiking the Grand Canyon. I feel like I am losing my ability to function in little pieces at a time. I fear having mobility issues to the point that I cannot take care of myself and need a caregiver's help most of the time. It is ridiculously hard to have these issues and not have enough money for mobility aids or anything. It scares me that I could need to be that dependent on someone else because of these chronic health issues. I am however doing everything I can to maintain as much mobility as I can with chiropractic, acupuncture, massage, yoga, walking, aqua therapy, psychiatry, meds, psychotherapy, and anything else I can do that may help, within the law, of course.

Working right now is SO hard! I can't sit too long, I can't stand too long if I do too much I'm wiped out the next day and in so much pain I can barely move. Working a double means I need 2 days to recover. And even with doing all that, I still don't have enough money to make ends meet. It's ridiculous. And disability wants me to quit work before they will help me. I cannot do that and pay rent and bills, eat, and afford meds or transportation. They say I am 2 years from being old enough for the social security benefits I've earned from working, well more like a year now, they told me this when I had just turned 46. I guess they were saying I needed to be 48 to get them. It's crazy that I am eligible for disability other than having part-time jobs where I make just a little bit too much money for them. It drives me nuts, that they'd let me suffer over a little bit of extra money.

I have made a vow to myself to restrict things that stress me out more and to set firm boundaries with people about my time and what I will and won't do with it. I have to take a lot better care of myself and I cannot do that by allowing others to bypass my boundaries or trample them down. I will no longer allow people to impinge upon my self-care and personal time. I will not let them guilt trip or try to force me into doing what they want to my own detriment. I am not anybody's doormat anymore and I will not let anybody damage my health anymore. I will help on my terms and within my own limits and not anybody else's. If they cannot handle that then they don't need to be a part of my life anymore, see you later bye. I have started a new year of my life and it is MY year. I will not be abused or taken advantage of again. I will make sure that I am healthy and happy and that nobody is allowed to threaten my health and well-being again.